A Tire Swing Story is a bite-sized "imagining" inspired by an object I discover while wandering. It could be a curbside trash gem or a message sprayed on a wall. A lost mitten, or an antique store find. Anything goes. I photograph the object and post them together, the story and its inspiration. There will be a new story every Monday and Wednesday. On Fridays, I'll discuss writing, life, love, and coffee. (In no particular order and maybe all at once.)

Monday, November 28, 2011

Have you ever had a "hair splinter?" It's when a dog hair gets stuck under your skin. Like a regular splinter, but with hair instead of wood. 

Today, I've had four of them. A schnauzer and two collies have humped my leg. My head aches from these twinkling lights, and my hemorrhoids are flaring up from all this sitting with dogs on my lap.

Still, it's worth it, taking this job. I've been waiting all year for my revenge and it's almost time. I can see that blonde woman standing in line with that Jack Russell terrier in her arms. When her turn comes, she'll plop the little mutt in my lap.

They make me fill my pockets with dog treats. After each photo is taken, I feed the dog a biscuit and everyone says: "Santa's so good with animals." Today, I made a special cookie for that terrier. Chicken and Drain-o. Deck the Halls. 

It's all because of Tina, who worked at Chubby's Christmas Cupcakes in the food court. Last year, I used to go there on my breaks to see her. Tina had the most beautiful smile. Like a light turning on. One time she got a glob of green icing on her cheek and I felt dizzy from loving her so much. The day before Christmas, I finally got up the nerve to ask her for a date. 

We were both off at 5, so I was going to do it then. I had one more dog to go and it was that Jack Russell. His owner placed him on my lap. I was distracted, working out what I was going to say to Tina, and then I felt this warm wet rush on my groin and thighs. 

What woman in her right mind is going to go out with a middle-aged Santa covered in dog piss? I couldn't ask her.

The next day Chubby's was closed down for the season. This year they got a different girl frosting cupcakes.

And here's that same Jack Russell. They put him in my lap and I'm all smiles. "Have you been good this year?" I ask, which gets a chuckle out of the crowd. Once the photo's been taken, I reach into my pocket. "A little treat from Santa," I say, pulling out the cookie. 

But it's too late. I can already feel the warm stream seeping into my pants and running down my legs.

Trying something new, everyone! If you'd like to listen to an audio recording of this story, click below! And let me know how it goes for you. 


  1. Love the audio clip!! Nice! But put the option up front so we can listen BEFORE reading (in my opinion).

  2. Thanks for the feedback, Sassy Lamb. I think you might be right, but I was just worried that the big grey box was a bit too ugly to put front and center. I'm working on making it better. Just wanted to get one "out there," you know?