A Tire Swing Story is a bite-sized "imagining" inspired by an object I discover while wandering. It could be a curbside trash gem or a message sprayed on a wall. A lost mitten, or an antique store find. Anything goes. I photograph the object and post them together, the story and its inspiration. There will be a new story every Monday and Wednesday. On Fridays, I'll discuss writing, life, love, and coffee. (In no particular order and maybe all at once.)

Monday, July 23, 2012

When you die, you should get your stats. 

The day I bite the bullet, I hope somebody tells me: "Curt, in your life you stopped at 1265 red lights. You took a leak 18,407 times. You watched 9003 hours of television." 

My stats. Know what I'm saying? 

I don't need to be pushing up daisies to know how many times I've bought exercise equipment. I have owned six different sets of dumbells. 

One of the primary things about idiots is, we don't learn from our mistakes. Here I am standing in the Treadmill Depot and this sales guy's got em laid out for me, and he's telling me how many chicks I'm gonna get once I pay $499.99 for all this. And don't I just reach for my wallet?

And the girl at the cash, she's hot. She's probably supposed to be some kind of example of the quality of woman we're gonna get after working out. She smiles and her tag says her name is Candy. Candy? If she was born with that name, I'll eat my sock. 

"Will that be debit or credit?" she asks me, sweet as anything. 

They'll be delivering my new home gym on Tuesday. 

And then guess what? I'm in the parking lot beside my car, reaching for my keys, and I have a bloody heart attack.

Before I know it, I'm flopping on the pavement and gasping like a fish and the sky overhead is so blue. It's the bluest thing I've ever seen.

My stats. 

Drank 3,402 beers
Swam in the ocean 86 times 
Had 8,003 orgasms
Made 17 different women cry
Owned 5 suits
Read 6,408 newspapers
Buried 4 dogs
Listened to "Hotel California" 139 times

Thought about how damn precious it all is...

just once.

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